Oh The Lord's been good to me!

When I was in college one hundred years ago, christopher columbus and I used to take marathon walks. Ok Chris wasn't there, I usually walked by myself but it wasn't uncommon for me to walk around Normal late into the night. It would clear my mind and I could solve all of the world's problems. One night I walked past The Baby Fold which was a residential program for children. I heard a tiny voice singing. I couldn't hear the words but the melody stuck in my head. I was always looking for a second of their part time job so a week later I went by and applied. The interview was grewling and you had to do a phycological screening. Needless to say I didn't get the job. But a month later they called me and asked if I would interview aqain. I had made an impression on one of the interviewers. The second interview was role playing. I felt like I was applying for a theatre group rather than a job working with children. one of the role plays was about abused children.

The scene they discribed was like children in the attic. I got so wrapped up int he role play that I started crying. I became that unwanted child whose world was tied in knots. The I'm sure highly educated observers began asking me questions as if I were the child. It was difficult to shake that experience. I admire actors that can take on difficult roles and then walk away from the. I got the job. I was hired for 16 hours a week (two weekend shift) but many times I subbed for others. They gave me the group of abuse children who chose not to communicate. That talked to themself or not at all. They rocked, they swayed, they hummed. These children were drawn to me like insects to the light. I was assigned to work with two children. but I would sit on the floor to read a book and I soon at 8 children in my lap.

I met Bonnie, the little girl whose singing I had heard on my late night walk. You have seen poor little abused dogs that cower and will not make eye contact and don't like you to look at them. That was Bonnie. Bonnie wore shift dresses and would shred them in her worry. She would work at a hem of the dress between her fingers until it was threads. Her hair was a bundle of knots where she had twisted it. She ate with her fingers and preferred to be under the table. Her walk was more of a monkey walk, very cautious as if the next step might be a land mind. She used a system of grunts and points to make requests. Bonnie loved my stories and would scurry into the room but stayed at a good 10 ft distance from me. She would make high pitch noises if anyone came close to her. The other children avoided Bonnie. She would listen while she sat on her knees with head down and her hands over her head. Much like a child in a storm drill. At night Bonnie would sit on her knees on her bed and rock from side to side. Eyes closed hugging herself. Late into the nigh she would sing "Oh the lords been good to me, And so I thank the lord, Oh the lords been good to me and so I thank the lord Oh the lords been good to me and so I thank the lord. Her tiny voice was high and the melody would dance with her words.

Of course just as a child I wanted to help the poor little animals I found around my father's farm. My heart went out to Bonnie. Baby Fold had rules about not becoming too attached to a child, and Bonnie was in my group but not one of the children assign directly to me. So I played the game and did not initiate any contact with Bonnie. but Bonnie loved my stories. either from a book or just one of my how I got sprayed by a skunk stories. As I would finish a story Bonnie would become agitated, so I told as many stories as my time and other duties would allow.
My story time was during freeplay and children could choose what they wanted to do during the time. So I didn't always have a large audience but I always had Bonnie. One Saturday we had a zoo person bring in a snake and talk about snakes at the zoo. While the other chidren were excited and huddled close to see. Bonnie retreated to her room. I took a book and went to a different part of the living space and read a book to myself. I was baiting Bonnie. When I saw Bonnie peaking around the corner of her bedroom door I turned my back to her and continued reading. I could hear Bonnie sloppy footsteps creaping closer. I kept reading. Bonnie came right up to me and sat with her back against mine. When the story was finished she said "I am five" I said "I am twenty-one". She said "My name is Bonnie and I am a good girl" As long as we were back to back she continued to share. From that day on anytime I was sitting on the floor. Bonnie was sitting behind me back to back. She always listens closely to stories, then she would share what she liked or didn't like. What she loved to do was tell me what everyone else did when I wasn't there. Always about other children never about herself. The behavior modification training at The Baby Fold was trying to make Bonnie request things the proper way, sit at the table the right way. eat with a fork or spoon. She had pages and pages of goals to socialize her. Bonnie one day asked a question I was always a listener I didn't ever question her about anything because I wasn't her "special person" they called them. I was not allowed to spend time with her when I wasn't working where I was encouraged to spend time with other children that were assigned to me. Bonnie's question was Why? I said "I don't know why she swallowed the fly I guess she'll die" She said Why fork, Why chair Why comb Why bed Why oh why. Sitting there with her head down her tied up hair falling around her tattered dress. I said "my lovely Bonnie they want you to play the game" She said Oh it is a game. Oh I like games (she really didn't but I didn't argue with her) But that was the turning point in Bonnie's willingness to socialize and learning to follow those silly rules about eating and sitting and talking. Whe she would retreat we would say It's ok Bonnie it's a game. That spring our group spend a lot of time outside. Bonnie did not know what grass was. A flower had texture it wasn't flat. If you squished it you hurt it. She went to bed with a violet squeezed in her fist wanting it to last forever. She knew the noises but did not realize that they came from different birds. She knew them only as morning noises.

We didn't have to worry about losing Bonnie she was stuck to me like glue. I couldn't hold her hand or pick her up and she didn't like to me to watch her when she didn't say "Watch ME" She would even say I didn't say "watch me" Her vocabulary was growing by leaps and bounds and she wanted to experience everything in her own cautious way. She didn't like when other children interacted with me and I told her she had to share my time. So when I would tie a shoe or help a child on the slide. She would sing "I'm sharing I'm sharing I'm sharing" She would still sit back to back when I read a book to the group. I would say Bonnie don't you want to come around here so you can see the pictures and she would say I like my minds pictures better. So I would describe the pictures in the picture books and she would purr like a kitten when I read.

At the end of my first summer working at The Baby Fold I started working the night shirt during the week and day shift on weekends. I don't know when I slept I'm not sure I did. A man and a women worked in each "house" (really more of a floor or section of their buildings.

One night I heard Bonnie start into her repeated chorus of The lords been good to me. I sat in the hall and started singing it with her. It was 2 a.m. I sang with her for about 30 minutes and then she went back to sleep. She only repeated the first two lines over and over so I went to the library and looked up children songs. The song was a mealtime praise song used at camps. "OH the lord's been good to me and so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need The sun and the rain and the apple seed.

The next night I when I heard Bonnie restless I sat outside of her room and softly say her the whole song over and over until I could hear her breathing deeply agian.

They say all good things must come to an end. And so too my relationship with my little Bonnie and learned so much and done so well that they were looking for a home for her. She hair was still wild and her dress still worn and torn. But now where before her eyes had no sparkle they now sparkled with delight. She still would perfer to eat spinach then try anything new. She still growled her disaproval very quietly and purred when she was happy ever so quietly. If she initiated the tough she would allow you to touch her but only for a moment.

And the day came, they had found a relative that would take Bonnie. We were forbidden to have any further contact with her as they wanted to give her every opportunity to build a relationship with her new family.

But this time the staff and given up trying to keep Bonnie and I apart. They could tell her that the other staff was the person she would build a relationship with but She had chosen me.

I told Bonnie that it was going to happen. I told her she would have a new place to live. Bonnie asked "New Game???" I said yes new games She asked "Dino playing??" I said no you are going to a new home and I have to stay here. Bonnie began to twist my hair (somewhere along the line she had stated tisting my hair and shirt when she was nervious as well) She started rocking and ever so quietly she said Bonnie don't like to share. She was standing and I was sitting in the middle of the grounds in the grass. It was early fall and the leaves had just begun to fall. I started crying and I said "Bonnie I know" I said "Bonnie things change" Bonnie ran around and around me. Exhausted she finially sat behind me back to back We sat for awhile saying nothing then she began to sing. "Oh the lord been good to me and so I thank the lord for giving me the things I need the sun and the rain and the apple tree. She paused and ever so quietly she added and dino and I said and Bonnie.

That night I had to say my goodbye I had to trust that Bonnie was in the hands of God. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We had mashed potatoes and spinach for dinner under the table eating with our fingers.

I read Bonnie's favorite book. The Cat IN The Hat She sat against my back and when it was over. she hugged my back.

I've always worn my emotions on my shirt sleeve so everyone knew I was having a difficult time. I was told I had to leave at 8 p.m. I had already said what I could say. That night I sat in the parking lot and when I heard the familiar squeeky voice at 2 a.m. I say with her adding and Bonnie my dear Bonnie.