Friday, April 11, 2008

Oh The Lord's been good to me!

When I was in college one hundred years ago, christopher columbus and I used to take marathon walks. Ok Chris wasn't there, I usually walked by myself but it wasn't uncommon for me to walk around Normal late into the night. It would clear my mind and I could solve all of the world's problems. One night I walked past The Baby Fold which was a residential program for children. I heard a tiny voice singing. I couldn't hear the words but the melody stuck in my head. I was always looking for a second of their part time job so a week later I went by and applied. The interview was grewling and you had to do a phycological screening. Needless to say I didn't get the job. But a month later they called me and asked if I would interview aqain. I had made an impression on one of the interviewers. The second interview was role playing. I felt like I was applying for a theatre group rather than a job working with children. one of the role plays was about abused children.

The scene they discribed was like children in the attic. I got so wrapped up int he role play that I started crying. I became that unwanted child whose world was tied in knots. The I'm sure highly educated observers began asking me questions as if I were the child. It was difficult to shake that experience. I admire actors that can take on difficult roles and then walk away from the. I got the job. I was hired for 16 hours a week (two weekend shift) but many times I subbed for others. They gave me the group of abuse children who chose not to communicate. That talked to themself or not at all. They rocked, they swayed, they hummed. These children were drawn to me like insects to the light. I was assigned to work with two children. but I would sit on the floor to read a book and I soon at 8 children in my lap.

I met Bonnie, the little girl whose singing I had heard on my late night walk. You have seen poor little abused dogs that cower and will not make eye contact and don't like you to look at them. That was Bonnie. Bonnie wore shift dresses and would shred them in her worry. She would work at a hem of the dress between her fingers until it was threads. Her hair was a bundle of knots where she had twisted it. She ate with her fingers and preferred to be under the table. Her walk was more of a monkey walk, very cautious as if the next step might be a land mind. She used a system of grunts and points to make requests. Bonnie loved my stories and would scurry into the room but stayed at a good 10 ft distance from me. She would make high pitch noises if anyone came close to her. The other children avoided Bonnie. She would listen while she sat on her knees with head down and her hands over her head. Much like a child in a storm drill. At night Bonnie would sit on her knees on her bed and rock from side to side. Eyes closed hugging herself. Late into the nigh she would sing "Oh the lords been good to me, And so I thank the lord, Oh the lords been good to me and so I thank the lord Oh the lords been good to me and so I thank the lord. Her tiny voice was high and the melody would dance with her words.

Of course just as a child I wanted to help the poor little animals I found around my father's farm. My heart went out to Bonnie. Baby Fold had rules about not becoming too attached to a child, and Bonnie was in my group but not one of the children assign directly to me. So I played the game and did not initiate any contact with Bonnie. but Bonnie loved my stories. either from a book or just one of my how I got sprayed by a skunk stories. As I would finish a story Bonnie would become agitated, so I told as many stories as my time and other duties would allow.
My story time was during freeplay and children could choose what they wanted to do during the time. So I didn't always have a large audience but I always had Bonnie. One Saturday we had a zoo person bring in a snake and talk about snakes at the zoo. While the other chidren were excited and huddled close to see. Bonnie retreated to her room. I took a book and went to a different part of the living space and read a book to myself. I was baiting Bonnie. When I saw Bonnie peaking around the corner of her bedroom door I turned my back to her and continued reading. I could hear Bonnie sloppy footsteps creaping closer. I kept reading. Bonnie came right up to me and sat with her back against mine. When the story was finished she said "I am five" I said "I am twenty-one". She said "My name is Bonnie and I am a good girl" As long as we were back to back she continued to share. From that day on anytime I was sitting on the floor. Bonnie was sitting behind me back to back. She always listens closely to stories, then she would share what she liked or didn't like. What she loved to do was tell me what everyone else did when I wasn't there. Always about other children never about herself. The behavior modification training at The Baby Fold was trying to make Bonnie request things the proper way, sit at the table the right way. eat with a fork or spoon. She had pages and pages of goals to socialize her. Bonnie one day asked a question I was always a listener I didn't ever question her about anything because I wasn't her "special person" they called them. I was not allowed to spend time with her when I wasn't working where I was encouraged to spend time with other children that were assigned to me. Bonnie's question was Why? I said "I don't know why she swallowed the fly I guess she'll die" She said Why fork, Why chair Why comb Why bed Why oh why. Sitting there with her head down her tied up hair falling around her tattered dress. I said "my lovely Bonnie they want you to play the game" She said Oh it is a game. Oh I like games (she really didn't but I didn't argue with her) But that was the turning point in Bonnie's willingness to socialize and learning to follow those silly rules about eating and sitting and talking. Whe she would retreat we would say It's ok Bonnie it's a game. That spring our group spend a lot of time outside. Bonnie did not know what grass was. A flower had texture it wasn't flat. If you squished it you hurt it. She went to bed with a violet squeezed in her fist wanting it to last forever. She knew the noises but did not realize that they came from different birds. She knew them only as morning noises.

We didn't have to worry about losing Bonnie she was stuck to me like glue. I couldn't hold her hand or pick her up and she didn't like to me to watch her when she didn't say "Watch ME" She would even say I didn't say "watch me" Her vocabulary was growing by leaps and bounds and she wanted to experience everything in her own cautious way. She didn't like when other children interacted with me and I told her she had to share my time. So when I would tie a shoe or help a child on the slide. She would sing "I'm sharing I'm sharing I'm sharing" She would still sit back to back when I read a book to the group. I would say Bonnie don't you want to come around here so you can see the pictures and she would say I like my minds pictures better. So I would describe the pictures in the picture books and she would purr like a kitten when I read.

At the end of my first summer working at The Baby Fold I started working the night shirt during the week and day shift on weekends. I don't know when I slept I'm not sure I did. A man and a women worked in each "house" (really more of a floor or section of their buildings.

One night I heard Bonnie start into her repeated chorus of The lords been good to me. I sat in the hall and started singing it with her. It was 2 a.m. I sang with her for about 30 minutes and then she went back to sleep. She only repeated the first two lines over and over so I went to the library and looked up children songs. The song was a mealtime praise song used at camps. "OH the lord's been good to me and so I thank the Lord for giving me the things I need The sun and the rain and the apple seed.

The next night I when I heard Bonnie restless I sat outside of her room and softly say her the whole song over and over until I could hear her breathing deeply agian.

They say all good things must come to an end. And so too my relationship with my little Bonnie and learned so much and done so well that they were looking for a home for her. She hair was still wild and her dress still worn and torn. But now where before her eyes had no sparkle they now sparkled with delight. She still would perfer to eat spinach then try anything new. She still growled her disaproval very quietly and purred when she was happy ever so quietly. If she initiated the tough she would allow you to touch her but only for a moment.

And the day came, they had found a relative that would take Bonnie. We were forbidden to have any further contact with her as they wanted to give her every opportunity to build a relationship with her new family.

But this time the staff and given up trying to keep Bonnie and I apart. They could tell her that the other staff was the person she would build a relationship with but She had chosen me.

I told Bonnie that it was going to happen. I told her she would have a new place to live. Bonnie asked "New Game???" I said yes new games She asked "Dino playing??" I said no you are going to a new home and I have to stay here. Bonnie began to twist my hair (somewhere along the line she had stated tisting my hair and shirt when she was nervious as well) She started rocking and ever so quietly she said Bonnie don't like to share. She was standing and I was sitting in the middle of the grounds in the grass. It was early fall and the leaves had just begun to fall. I started crying and I said "Bonnie I know" I said "Bonnie things change" Bonnie ran around and around me. Exhausted she finially sat behind me back to back We sat for awhile saying nothing then she began to sing. "Oh the lord been good to me and so I thank the lord for giving me the things I need the sun and the rain and the apple tree. She paused and ever so quietly she added and dino and I said and Bonnie.

That night I had to say my goodbye I had to trust that Bonnie was in the hands of God. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We had mashed potatoes and spinach for dinner under the table eating with our fingers.

I read Bonnie's favorite book. The Cat IN The Hat She sat against my back and when it was over. she hugged my back.

I've always worn my emotions on my shirt sleeve so everyone knew I was having a difficult time. I was told I had to leave at 8 p.m. I had already said what I could say. That night I sat in the parking lot and when I heard the familiar squeeky voice at 2 a.m. I say with her adding and Bonnie my dear Bonnie.
I just finished my bio for the Karr Family Record. My aunt Nola has published several book on our family's ancestory and is now getting ready for a sequil.

Since my bio is a story in itself I thought I'd share it for what it is worth.

Dean graduated from Wapella High School in 1977. He graduated from Illinois State University at Normal and later obtained a Masters Degree in Special Education from that school. While attending ISU he was employed by the Financial Aid Office at ISU where he met Cathy. He later took a parttime job at The Baby Fold which developed into a full time position. He then transferred to the agency’s school. Dean also worked with PATH crisis center and Big Brothers. He taught one year in Kankakee, Illinois. He now teaches in Clinton, Illinois at Webster Elementary School where he has taught for over 20 years. In 1990 Dean was awarded the Teacher of the Year award by the Clinton Teacher’s Association. He received Honoral Mention at the State level. He has be recognized as a Master Teacher by Illinois State University and is a Mentor Teacher for his school as well. Dean has hosted over 20 student-teachers who have become his extended family.
Dean credits his grandfather Frank for his patience and his fathers cow for his education. When Dean was two years old, Frank would stand him on a fence post in the garden while he worked. Frank talked while he worked and Dean didn’t know how to get down, so he learned to stand and be patient. After milking a cow for 10 years, Dean swore once he left for college he would not return home to that cow. Each time he college was more than he could handle, all it took was a weekend trip home to convince him he needed to try harder. Dean’s hobbies include yard work and baking sour dough bread, both of which he learned from his Aunt Alice.
Cathy whose parents emigrated from Ireland in 1950, grew up on the south side of Chicago and later moved to the suburb of Oaklawn. She graduated from Mother McAuley High School, Oaklawn, and from Illinois State University at Normal. Cathy work as several part time jobs while her children were home. She now work for a brokerage firm in Bloomington.
Dean and Cathy divorced in 2002. Dean continues to be involved in his community and keeping up with his son’s many projects.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Who Says I'm Special

Yesterday my students were given the opportunity to view the Jr. High building and classroom as a way to dispell their fears of next year. I enjoyed it because I got to see students that I've had in years past. They greet me as a celeb and it is great. A couple caught up with me in the hall and told me that their year was going wonderful. I am always proud of them. Smiles for everyone.

We stopped in one of the Classroom and I saw my buddy Brock(named changed to protect the friends of Mr. Karr) Brock is the highest functionin Down's child I have ever taught. The students had a worksheet out and were studying science. The teacher gave the directions to take out a pencil. Brock looked around and said "I don't have a pencil" The teacher said Brock that is your responsibility when I done with my instructions you can sign your name and check out a pencil. The teacher handed Brock a pen and said "Use this until I get done" Brock put the pen up to his nose and said This is not a pencil. The teacher continued with his instruction. He said "the first word you will use one time. The second word" Brandon broke in. Two two two You use the second word two times. you use the third word three times. The teacher said no Brock the second word is used three times. Brock said that doesn't make sense. The teacher continued his instuctions. When he was done he said Brock lets get you a pencil. Brock walked up to the teacher podium and placed the pen on it. The pen rolled off on to the floor. Brandon continued across the room to sign his name for a pencil. He put the pencil behind his ear. The teacher said Brock where is my pen. Brock said your desk has issues. The teacher said "OK???" Where is my pen. Brock said I put it right here pointing to the podium. He said "The rest is a mystery". I am rolling inside with laughter and totally composed on the outside. I have to remain professional. Brandon sits down and starts to work but can't find his pencil. The teacher is picking up the pen and says "Brock you ear" Brock says "You talking to me" Teacher says Yes. Your ear" Brock says "I'm listening" The teacher walks over takes the pencil from Brock's ear and hands it to him. Unfortunately we had to move on to our next classroom. The other classes were wonderful not as amusing but wonderful. The kids noticed the important things. "Kids chew gum" "Lunches include chips" "Kids sit whereever they want" "The bathrooms are clean" "The principal is short" "They have computers" "P.E. every day" "The doors only open one way"

Monday, April 7, 2008

Did I lose something?

This morning bright and early I was walking the dog when I noticed plants breaking though the ground in my flower garden. It made me smile and my eyes began to examine all of my flower beds. The columbines are wonderful and I'm trying to remember what color they were. Then I see my bleeeding hearts. My Aunt Alyce loved bleeding hearts. As I bent to pull out a dandylion my mind rushed backs to walkes I would talke around Alyce's yard when she would show me the wonders of the beautiful plants. before long I was on my hands and knees pulling weeds and parts of last years plants that were no longer needed. I saw a plant I didn't recognize popping through and I laid down on my stomach to see if I could get a closer view. Nose to nose with an ant and I heard someone behind me say "did you lose something" I thought yes I did "MY MIND" but I rolled over taking care not to squash any plants. I couldn't tell him I was staring at plants. I thought quick. I said "just waiting for the grass to grow" har har har. The guy said "what ever trips your trigger" I said "beautiful morning isn't it?" The man said "nothing to complain about" He then walked on. Freeda this whole time was just walking the length of her leash sniffing and exploring. I asked her why she didn't warn me that a stranger was behind me. She said he didn't look as strange as I did.

I'm going to buy some concrete tonight. I want to make fake rocks or maybe a turtle statue for my yard. I down loaded information off the internet I'll see what I can come up with.

I'm dreaming of a water fall with huge rocks. Kristen my classroom aide said she would pose if I make them look like the playboy mansion.

I took a trip to turtle park in misouri> it was wonderful I thought I would make a big turtle. Of course it has to be something I can move if I move so that limits the size.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Bird Dog?

My two dogs are as goofy as I am. Pippen is a hearing impaired Boston Terrier. He weighs maybe 15 lbs. I call him the clap on clap off dog because you have to clap your hands to get his attention then he knows sign language. Last summer I got Freeda She is a Morky 1/2 Yorky 1/2 Maltise. She is all of 7 lbs and is Pippin's hearing/ear dog. When someone come to the door she goes and looks then runs to Pippen and barks at him until he runs to the door with her barking. She follows me from room to room as Pippens sleeps in my chair. When it is time for bed I put them in the utility room. I tell Freeda bed time and she runs barking at Pippen. She returns with Pippen and they both get a treat before going into their crates. Our evening walks (thank goodness for spring) are a one or two block walk for both dogs. After that Pippen is beat and we drop him off at the house then Freeda and I take our 2 mile stroll. The other night we returned for a walk and as I got in the house I kicked of my shoes and unhitched Freeda. I followed her through the garage to make sure there was water in the dish. When we got to the screen porch there was a bird in the screen porch. The door was wide open and the bird was flying back and forth and not getting out. Freeda ran out and jumped straight up 3 feet and caught the bird in mid air. I screamed Freeda no no. She took off like a bullet into the house. I stubbed my toe as I vaulted after her. She took the bird over to Pippen and put it down. I'm still screaming crying, running. The bird start flying around my living room. Now Pippen is in the act. Barking his fool head off. I trip over the coffee table. After I'm done blessing all that is holy. I see the bird has found the window. Freeda has brought Pippen to the bird and doesn't understand why he isn't jumping like she does. Freeda knows I'm screeming at her so she isn't jumping. Finially I get the poor little bird to the door and set him free. I now realize that I'm wounded and bleeding from my toe, leg and knee. In my scramble I left little red dots through the house. I bandaged myself (thank goodness for Earl Dickson, the inventor of the bandaid) I crawled from room to room cleaning spots Pippen thought this was his chance to like my face.

And what do I answer when someone ask "How was your evening" I say oh nothing unusual.