i hate good-byes

My friend Carol emailed that she is moving to Florida. Has her house on the market. I'm not sure why I don't embrace change. I like it eventually and everyone knows that we don't grow without change. I don't like going through those feelings, I know totally well that if I didn't have awesome friends I wouldn't miss them when they were gone. I know that I keep getting older and everything changes. I know that change is good. My heart says don't say goodbye.

Dad always said I was the emotionally one. And it was and is true. I don't know if I feel things deeper or if I have less control than the rest of the world. I know things I think should be ok just hurt me through to the bone. I know that if I did not feel happiness I wouldn't feel sadness. I know I know but what I feel hurts. It is not that I don't want people to go on with their lives. Lord knows that if they had not gone on with thier lives I wouldn't have met them, know them and grown with them.

If I am at a get together I just get up and leave. I hate hate hate that good bye feeling. I don't like the end of open house at school. I don't want to say there all night. I just don't like the process. Just leave and be done with it. We as a people have many traditons about beginnings and endings and change. A funeral is that final change. When grandma Tenny died so long ago. I cried, I screamed, I cried. She lived in oregon and I hadn't see her in years but I cried for the loss for the life for the love. All ove the wonders she had given. I knew she was in heaven. I was happy for that. but my world changing hurt. I remember my mother saying that pain was message that your are alive. I remember Rita saying she didn't cry because grandma had lived a good life . I agreed with her fully and then I cried.

For Carol my friend, when I started at Webster School I was a young man. I was welcomed to Webster School with open arms. what a wonderful family. I learned last names then first. The teacher before me was a computer expert and so I took his spot and loved helping others with their computers. The double innitials made it easier to learn names. Lorretta Lighthall, Norma Nichols, Gary Gullone, all became my quick friends. Ed and Frank had bus duty with me. Back in those days the principal didn't think women should do bus duty Nancy would make sure my fly was zipped and my shirt collar was turned correctly. Carol listened and we co taught several subjects and activities over the years. What a wonderful heart she had. She was always ready to try whatever sily thing I came up with and always ready to include my special education students into whatever she was doing. What a blessing. Now I am the old guy at work. I love my job but it is different. And I have to decide how to make Webster a fun place for the new teachers. I figure I hae 10 years left and I'll enjoy it.

Carol listened outside of school as well. And I haven't taken her up on her inviations to visit but I miss that opportunity. But a trip to florida sounds like a nice idea for next summer. maybe stop by georgia and see my friend Connie.

I won't say goodbye but I will miss her.