bleeding hearts

Have you ever had a dream that was so clear that you had to think to be sure it didn't happen? Being the 7th son or the 7th son I was always told I could fortell the future, right? I don't believe that but every so often something happens and I freak myself out. A few months back I dreamed that my niece was going to have a baby boy, and she is. When my boys were growing up I would have mini panick attacks and when I'd find them they would have a cut or scrape or whatever. So just wierd little things.



The other night, I thought I woke up but it was a dream. I woke up to the smell of spring flowers. You know the smell when early in the morning and the dew is still on the ground. It was a light smell that had tough or bark or wood chip smell. I hadn't opened my eyes but was just breathing in the fresh smell. I climbed out of bed, went to the kitchen and grabbed a cup of tea, and went out to sit on my front step and enjoy the fresh morning breeze.

It was very peaceful and quiet. The sun was just coming up and was sending out rays of sunshine. It was kind of a woodland feeling but I was right here in Clinton, Illinois. Everything looked green... like super green ...... like the green before a storm. When my eyes focused I realized that the plants around me were bleeding hearts. Their red flower shaped like a heart split at the bottom to expose a white tear drop. To me they have always been a reminder of the tears I shed as I remember those we have lost. In my flower garden I have bleeding hearts they bloom all summer long. In this dream they were everywhere. The wonder I felt at their beauty was replaced by sorrow as I realized that each one was a symbol of a lost love one.

I walked through the flowers and took time to think of each one of my friends or family that had crossed over. All too soon. Then I thought for a moment of my own mortality. Just as I felt the panic of the moment, a wave a peace came over me. I felt the presense of my people. Then as if I was in some old movie of a christmas carol, I looked down on an unmarked grave. Where the headstone should have been I saw a small plant breaking through the earth. It was the beginning of a bleeding heart.

I woke and began checking myself to see if any part of what seemed to be happening had happened. I stretched as I walked through the house and grabbed a cup of tea I walked at side and it was freezing. There was no plant life at all. There was still snow on the ground. I went back in the house and made my breakfast.

The reason I thought this was worth writing down is my wish. When I die I don't want flowers. I don't want a casket only a pine box. I don't want a mass. Only a opportunity for my friends to confort each other. What I would like is for each person who felt I made a difference in their life to plant a bleeding heart somewhere as a reminder that even though the tears may fall, life will go on.

It will be totally freaky if I die on a cool spring morning. I guess it would be freaky no matter when I die......... I mean from my end of the experience.